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DEPRESSION - CARING FOR OTHERS AND YOURSELF

 

 

Depression is a serious but treatable disorder that affects millions of people, from all ages, and walks of life. Depression disrupts daily functioning and causes tremendous emotional pain, not just to those afflicted with it, but also, everyone around them. When someone you love has depression, you may wonder if there is anything you can do to help. The answer is yes. Your support and encouragement can play an essential role in a loved one’s recovery from depression. Concurrently, taking care of yourself is equally important, as caring for a depressed person can wear you down. Therefore, thinking about your own needs is not an act of selfishness – it’s a necessity. Your emotional strength will allow you to provide the ongoing support they need. The following article will provide some guidelines on how you can learn to help a loved one who is depressed, while maintaining your own emotional equilibrium.

Written by Capriole Choy 

Caring for others

When someone you love is depressed, you may experience many conflicting emotions, such as, helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, and sadness. These feelings are all normal. It is not easy dealing with a loved one’s depression. You may start by educating yourself about depression and its treatments. These are some general tips on the disorder:

  • Depression is a serious condition.   Depression is a real illness and drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. A depressed person cannot just ‘snap out of it’ any more than a cancer patient can ‘get over it’.

  • Depression symptoms aren’t personal.   Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deeper emotional level with anyone, even with people they love. Occasionally, depressed people may lash out in anger and say hurtful things. Remember that it is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.

  • Hiding problems won’t make it go away.   Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a loved one who is depressed. On the contrary, this prevents them from getting timely help, or worse, delaying recovery.

  • You can’t ‘fix’ someone else’s depression.   Many people believe they can cure someone with depression just by the sheer force of their love. Sadly, it is never that easy. Firstly, acknowledge that you’re not to blame for their depression, nor are you responsible for their happiness (or lack thereof). It’s not up to you to fix the problem. Ultimately, recovery lies in the hands of the depressed person.

Signs/Symptoms of Depression

 

Family and friends are often the first line of defense in the fight against depression. It is not unusual if you notice the changes in a depressed loved one even before he or she does. Therefore, it is crucial to familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of depression, as your concern and influence may motivate them to seek help. Some signs that your loved one may be depressed are:

  • He or she doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore

  • He or she is uncharacteristically sad, irritable, moody, critical, or short-tempered

  • He or she has lose interest in work, sex, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities

  • He or she talks about feelings ‘helpless’ or ‘hopeless’

  • He or she expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life

  • He or she frequently complains of aches and pains such as headaches, stomach problems, and back pain.

  • He or she complains of feeling tired and drained all the time

  • He or she has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities

  • He or she is either sleeping less than usual or oversleeping

  • He or she is eating either more or less usual, and has recently gained or lost weight

  • He or she has become indecisive, forgetful, disorganized, and ‘out of it’

He or she is drinking more or abusing drugs, including prescription sleeping pills and painkillers

What to Say or not to Say to a Depressed Person

Once you’ve more or less ascertained that your loved one is depressed, how do you approach or talk to them? Sometimes it is hard to know what to say or where to start. You might fear that if you bring up your worries, they will get angry, feel insulted, or ignore your concerns. You may be unsure what questions to ask or simply, how to be supportive. The following are some conversation starters, as well as, warm-up questions that will get the ball rolling:

  • I have been feeling concerned about you lately

  • Recently, I’ve noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing

  • I wanted to check in with you because you seem pretty down lately

  • When did you begin feeling like this?

  • Did something happen to make you start feeling this way?

  • How can I best support you right now?

  • Do you ever feel so bad that you don’t want to be anymore?

Note that sentences and questions are couched in a neutral and open-ended manner to facilitate a depressed person’s response and sharing, and to minimize feelings of guilt, anger, and defensiveness. More importantly, you want to communicate to them that you are there to support and listen to them. Here are some things you can say that helps:

  • You are not alone in this. I’m here for you

  • I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help

  • You are important to me

  • When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute – whatever you can manage

  • Tell me what I can do now to help you

Avoid saying:

  • It’s all in your head

  • We all go through times like this

  • Look on the bright side

  • You have so much to live for, why do you want to die?

  • Just snap out of it

  • What’s wrong with you?

  • Shouldn’t you be better by now?

 

Supporting the depression process

A depressed person will need consistent support and unconditional love, as they often feel alone and isolated. This involves being patient and compassionate, which is not always easy when dealing with the negativity, hostility, and irritability that come with depression.

  • Provide whatever assistance the person needs (and is willing to accept).   Help your loved one make and keep appointments, and stay on schedule with any treatment protocols. You may accompany them to appointments, but make it clear that it is their responsibility to get better. Also, seemingly small tasks can be hard to manage for a depressed person, offer to help out with chores, but not to the point where you get burned out.

  • Have realistic expectations.   It can be frustrating to watch a loved on struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important, and understand that even with optimal treatment, recovery doesn’t happen overnight.

  • Lead by example.   Encourage your loved one to lead a healthier, mood-boosting lifestyle such as, maintaining a positive outlook, eating better, avoiding alcohol and drugs, exercising, and leaning on others for support.

  • Encourage activity.   Adopt an interaction style that puts the depressed person in charge. For example, instead of suggesting, "Let's go to the movies tonight," try this: "I'd like to see a movie tonight. Which one of these do you want to see with me?" Be gentle and lovingly persistent, don’t get discouraged or stop asking.

 

Helping to seek treatment

The next step of seeking treatment can also be tricky. And since depression involves negative ways of thinking, the depressed person may believe that the situation is hopeless and treatment is pointless. Because of these obstacles, getting your loved one to first admit to the problem, and encouraging him or her to get help, is an essential step in depression recovery.  In the event they resist getting help, you may try the following:

  • Suggest a general check-up with a physician (GP).   Your loved one may feel less anxious about seeing a family doctor than a mental health professional. A regular doctor’s visit is a good option, since the doctor can rule out medical causes of depression. If depression is diagnosed, the doctor can refer your loved one to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

  • Offer to help find a doctor or therapist and accompany them on the first visit.   Finding the right treatment provider can be difficult, and is often a trial-and-error process. Depression saps the energy and motivation of a person, so even the act of finding a doctor or making an appointment can seem daunting. It is a huge help to assist in making calls and looking into options.

 

The risk of suicide – what to do in a crisis situation

It may be difficult to believe that the person you know and love would consider something as drastic as suicide, but a depressed person may not see any other way out. Depression clouds judgment and distorts thinking, and can make a normally rational person believe that death is the only way to end the pain they’re feeling. Hence, when someone is depressed, suicide becomes a very real danger. These are some warning signs:

  • Talking about suicide, dying, or harming oneself

  • Preoccupied with death

  • Expressing feelings of hopelessness or self-hate

  • Acting in dangerous or self-destructive ways

  • Getting affairs in order and saying goodbye

  • Seeking out pills, weapons, or other lethal objects

  • Sudden sense of calm after a depression episode

If you have reason to believe that your loved one is at an immediate risk of suicide, do NOT leave the person alone. Talk to him or her about your concerns. Many may feel uncomfortable about raising the subject, but you will be surprised to find that talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a person’s life, so share your concerns and seek professional help immediately!

 

CARING FOR YOURSELF

Although you may be unable to control a loved one’s depression, you can, however, control how well you take care of yourself. It is just as important for you to stay healthy, as it is for your loved one to get treatment, so make your well-being a priority as well. The advice of airline flight attendants is most relevant – put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. In other words, ensure that your own health and happiness are constantly monitored and maintained before, during, and after helping someone with depression. Be mindful that this challenging time is no different from a marathon; you will need extra sustenance to keep yourself going. The following are some ideas that will help you as you support your loved one through depression treatment and recovery:

  • Speak up for yourself.   You may be hesitant to speak your mind when your loved one upsets or disappoints you. However, communication will help the relationship in the long run. Suffering in silence and developing resentment will leak out in negative emotions, which your loved one will pick up on, and feel even worse. Gently talk about how you’re feeling before pent-up emotions make it too difficult to communicate with sensitivity.

  • Set boundaries.   Realise your own limitations. You want to help, but you can only do so much. Your health will suffer if you allow your life to be controlled by a loved one’s depression. Set clear limits on what you are willing and able to do. You are not their therapist, so don’t take on that responsibility. Instead of focusing on things you can’t control, focus on how you choose to react to problems.

  • Stay on track with your own life.   While changes in some of your daily routines may be unavoidable, do your best to maintain plans. Do not neglect your own needs (eg. Sleep, diet, exercise). Allow yourself to recharge when you need a break. It will help both of you. Set aside time for your hobbies, friends, and other family members.

  • Seek support.   You are NOT betraying your depressed relative by turning to others for support. Talking to a counsellor or a clergyman, or confiding in a trusted friend will help you get through this tough period. You don’t need to reveal details of their depression or betray confidences; instead focus on your emotions and how you’re feeling.

  • Support groups.   A caregiver support group is a great way to share your troubles and find people who are going through the same experiences that you are living each day. If you can't leave the house, many Internet groups are also available. In most support groups, you'll talk about your problems and listen to others talk; you'll not only get help, but you'll also be able to help others. Most important, you'll find out that you're not alone. You’ll feel better knowing that other people are in the same situation, and their knowledge can be invaluable. The following table highlights the advantages of both local and online support groups.

Local vs. Online Support Groups for Caregivers

      Local support groups:

  • People live near each other and meet in a given place each week or month.

  • You get face-to-face contact and a chance to make new friends who live near you.

  • The meetings get you out of the house, get you moving provide a social outlet, and reduce feelings of isolation.

  • Meetings are at a set time. You will need to attend them regularly to get the full benefit of the group.

  • Since the people in the support group are from your area, they'll be more familiar with local resources and issues.

      Online support groups:

  • People are from all over the world and have similar interests or problems.

  • You meet online, through email lists, websites, message boards, or social media.

  • You can get support without leaving your house, which is good for people with limited mobility or transportation problems.

  • You can access the group whenever it's convenient for you or when you need help most.

  • If your problem is very unusual—a rare disease, for example—there may not be enough people for a local group, but there will always be enough people online.

These are some of the local support groups you may find:

  1. Malaysian Mental Health Association - http://mmha.org.my/

  2. Befrienders - http://www.befrienders.org.my/contact.html

  3. Malaysian Society of Clinical Psychology - http://malaysiaclinicalpsychology.com/

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